"You should've stayed away from the preacher dude, Hester." I say to
the adulterous heroine in the book I'm reading for class. A robin answers me from
the top branches of the old oak. The swing under me sways covered by the shade
of the oak. A woman's shriek from next door jolts me off the swing and onto my
feet sending The Scarlett Letter to tumble from my lap. It lands spine up in
the thick grass. Monstrous hedges guard the property line of my yard and that
of my neighbor's, blocking my view from what lies beyond them. I search until I
find a space in the hedge monsters and am able see into the yard next door. My
eyes widen at the scene playing out before them.
A woman stands inside a bed of daisies swinging a garden hoe. With each
swing, a hot pink ribbon bobs from her brimmed hat.
"Drop it, you evil thing," she cries. "Get out of
here."
I want to call out to see if she needs my help, but I'm not sure what
her name is. My mom took her a "welcome to the neighborhood" gift basket and a pie when
she moved in over the winter, but I didn't pay attention when mom told me her
name.
The woman inches a step forward, pokes at something with the hoe, and
shrieks.
"Oh my lands!" A huge tomcat dashes to the opposite side of
the yard and turns to bare it's teeth. It gives the woman a hiss before
disappearing in the hedges. "Oh good Lord!"
Excellent voice. I can't help but read this opening with a Southern accent so I hope that's what you were trying to accomplish. "preacher dude"... love it!
ReplyDeleteThanks Kris.
DeleteI want to know what the tomcat had! At times the voice slips into an older tone than what I imagine the character is. I'm thinking middle grade age, but I'm not positive. In the sentence about the hedges lining the yard I would take property line out and just state the bushes edge the yard. I guess the property line phrase is what seems out of place as something a MG character would say. A very intriguing start with a sense of mystery.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback on the voice. That is helpful.
DeleteI like the voice and the character from the first paragraph alone. The only sentence I got caught on was when the book tumbled from her lap. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI like how you played with color. We already have the obvious connection with scarlet and adultry; hot pink makes you think as someone young and spirited, which is juxtaposed with her "Oh my lands!" Curious to see where this leads.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if I'm reading into this, or if the piece actually is using a subterfuge to slip something in for the reader to ponder? My interpretation is the neighbor woman initially was swinging at something different than the cat, because the appearance of the cat seems to be a distinctly different entity.
ReplyDeleteDid some apparition "shape shift" forms and go from being visible only to the neighbor to them becoming the cat visible to the neighbor as well?
The uncertainty keeps the reader a bit off-balance and then suddenly makes them identify a bit with the distress of the neighbor.
Are we supposed to think that the old lady is going batty? Except, is she the member of some garden club and their secret symbol is the hot pink ribbon?
More importantly, at least to the neighbor woman, what is the object that she was fighting over?
We know little of the person reading the book, but presumably this person is going to be more important to the story than the neighbor woman and strange creatures lurking in the garden.
Thanks for your detailed analysis. Yes, I'm laying the foundation for this intriguing neighbor.
DeleteThe first sentence may be too long and might have more punch as "...I say to Hester Prynne."
ReplyDeleteThe old lady is pleasantly quirky, but I agree with Alec in that I'd like to know more about our reader rather than the neighbor, I think.
I love this voice, Tammi. She sounds like a curious sort of girl of about age 15. And, from this piece, the neighbor sounds like she's going to give her curiosity plenty to sort through. I want to read on. Good lead and voice!
ReplyDeleteDang it! I left a detailed message here yesterday and it isn't showing up! Okay, let's try this again.
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot to like in this sample--the sense of mystery and pacing. I also really liked the imagery here:
"A woman stands inside a bed of daisies swinging a garden hoe. With each swing, a hot pink ribbon bobs from her brimmed hat."
In terms of criticism, the voice, though attractive, does not sound like YA to me, save the opening line. Also, I'm not usually bothered by first person present POV, but for some reason here, it seems to stand out in a negative way. Maybe because the voice feels older than YA. Or maybe it's because of the imagery. It reminds me of a charming southern afternoon which I have a hard time envisioning as present tense. Just something to think about.
And the last little thing--this line is awkward and needs a bit of tweaking:
"The swing under me sways covered by the shade of the oak."
Still, I like the cadence and the voice in this piece quite a lot--even if it sounds more adult. Your turn of phrase is skillful.
Good luck with this!
I appreciate the critique. It is much needed. I want the voice to sound younger. The message I'm consistently receiving is that it sounds older. So I'm onto tweaking. Thanks so much.
DeleteFirst thing I thought was "Ahh poor girl, I hate the Scarlet Letter!" heh
ReplyDeleteI'm going to assume she's high school age if that's what she's reading and some of the voice does seem a little mature for that.
I might also break up that first paragraph a little. Maybe have that opening line of dialog stand alone and maybe breaking it up where you start talking about the hedges. Just a thought.
Also (sorry to nitpick) I'd put a comma after feet and before sending:
A woman's shriek from next door jolts me off the swing and onto my feet, sending The Scarlett Letter to tumble from my lap.
Also, also, I believe the book title/color only has one t.
I'm intrigued to know what she was swinging at though! I didn't think it was the cat either. I'm thinking...faerie of some sort maybe? :D
I love how active your voice is, it hooks me right away and keeps me engaged. You have some really lovely visuals that make me feel like I'm right there. I'd love to know a little more about your MC. :) Was the old lady poking at the tomcat or is the "evil thing" under the old lady's attack? :P
ReplyDeleteShe certainly has a strong voice, well done. Some people might not like starting with dialog, even one sentence but I think it's fine here.
ReplyDelete"Oh my lands!" A huge tomcat dashes to the opposite side of the yard and turns to bare it's teeth. It gives the woman a hiss before disappearing in the hedges. "Oh good Lord!"
These sound like things the older woman would say but they way they're written it makes me think the girl says them.
Other than that, I think you can tighten this by cutting unnecessary words.
Example:
A woman's shriek from next door jolts me off the swing and onto my feet sending The Scarlett Letter to tumble from my lap. It lands spine up in the thick grass.
A woman's shriek from next door jolts me off the swing. The Scarlett Letter tumbles from my lap landing spine up in the thick grass.