One Breath at a Time

                                                               

 

 

                                                      

   

1
The Crash

 

 

   I stomped the snow off of my boots with Bethany bundled in my arms. I lowered her to the kitchen floor and made sure she could stand on her chubby one year old legs, then began the process of freeing her from the snowsuit.
 

  Brad called from the entry hall that we had five messages since the time we'd left the house to go out to eat.  I heard the muffled voices coming from the answering machine.

 

"Why would a detective from Summit County call me? I have three messages to call him back," Brad's eyebrows furrowed.  He studied the piece of paper he scribbled the name and number on.

 

"I have no idea, " I shrugged. Bethany now free ran through the kitchen, her bottom sagged in her little jeans. I sighed. "I need to change Bethany. Are you going to call him back?" Bethany squealed and ran when she figured out my intentions.

 

"Yeah, I 'll call from upstairs so I can hear." Brad climbed the steps and disappeared.

 

 

 I caught my curly headed little girl and swung her in my arms. She let out a stream of giggles.

 

"Britany! Will you please get your sister a pair of pajamas and bring to me?" I called to my eight year old. The stomping on the stairs told me that she heard my request.

 

"Tam! Come here," my husband's voice sounded thick and raspy.  My insides fluttered a bit, not sure what I was about to hear.

I reached the top of the steps and lowered Bethany to hall floor. She took off to her bedroom. My bedroom door was slightly ajar, I pushed it opened. My husband sat on the floor with his back against the bed, his legs bent at the knee, and held his head in his hands.

I swallowed, "What happened?" My heart sped up.

He lifted his head to look at me. His hazel eyes were red rimmed and glassy. "That wasn't' a detective who called. It was a coroner."

I drew my eyebrows together.  "What did he want?"

"He said Mickey was in a car wreck today?" Brad dropped his head again. His broad shoulders shook.

"Is...is he okay?" My mind wouldn't put it together. Refused to.

"He's dead." Brad choked out the words.

"NO! NO!" My words sounded far away. I wasn't even sure if  they came from me. My heart thudded against the walls of my chest. "What are we going to? Oh my God! What are we going to do?" The words launched out of me without warning.  Brad's arms enclosed around me. He pulled me to his chest and told me to calm down.

"Britany will hear you..," Brad never got to finish. Britany stood in the doorway of our bedroom. Tears streamed from her blue eyes.


 

 



The Ugly Truth

There is no truer statement in the world for me. Sigh. Learning things about yourself and people you thought you knew can be sobering.

 If you've been one of my regular readers you know that I've mentioned the nag inside of me saying its time to write my memoir. Get my story out. Believe me, writing about myself is so not what I want to do. I can't wrap my head around how and where to get started. So I'm jumping in head first. If I drown in the process so be it. Enough babble.  Today I start and will see where each post leads me.

The Gist

 Fifteen years ago my husband and I buried a nephew who died in a car crash. He moved in with us to get a fresh start on life. My husband got his nephew a job where he worked, cosigned for a car for him, helped him to get his first apartment,  and so on. He loved life and began coaching basketball. He died in a car crash on his way to coach his seventh graders. We got a call from a state trooper telling us. He would have turned twenty-five that year.

 

  The next twelve years we watched my sister-in-law and niece struggle with the loss of a son and brother. They were never the same to be honest. Then we got a phone call one evening from my niece. My sister-in-law was murdered. Shot three times in the chest and once in the arm because she woke up her live in boyfriend.

  Not only did I see this destroy what hope my niece hung onto, it nearly destroyed my husband. Guilt almost ate him alive for not seeing the signs of domestic violence, for not protecting her. The guilt was then replaced by anger. Getting revenge on his sister's murderer consumed both my niece and my husband. We faced the scumbag in court. He never once apologized for his actions.

Nine months ago, my niece died suddenly of heart failure at the age of thirty five leaving two children ages twelve and fourteen. My family increased to four children.

  This is the story in nutshell. Now for the rest. During all of  this I've learned truths about life, people, and myself. Some of it is ugly, dirty, and nasty. Some is enlightening, pretty, and stabilizing.

My new year's resolution is to continue with this story. I'm determined to stick with it. That is when I'm not escaping out of the adult world and into writing about my latest teen heroin.



Life and Books-Questions to Ponder

 

 

 

Life Questions

 

 

What's the best way to handle making difficult decisions?  I'm talking about the decisions that can change another person's life.  I found myself facing this once again this week.  Like storm clouds that move in and swallow up the bright sky,  life snuck up on me without notice and forced me to make a painful decision.  One that left a person I love heartbroken.

 

 How do I know I'm making the right decisions?  I wish that I had the perfect solution or formula to follow with a one hundred percent guarantee. Maybe someone will design a decision making app to download, tap in the problem you are facing and out comes answer...clear as crystal.

 

Unfortunately, difficult decisions don't work that way. You have to pull deep inside your heart and search.  Pray for the right answer and make the decision.  Sometimes, you just have to decide and hope. Like the poem by Shel Silverstein says... the voice inside will guide you.









This poem comes from the book "Falling Up "by Shel Silverstein.

 

 

 



Three Questions for the Week

 

 I thought I'd try something different called Three Questions for the Week.  I often ask myself questions as I go through a week of interaction with others or simply observing as a bystander. I decided to give some of the questions a go with my blog post this week. Here it goes...



 

Why do people you know, act like they don't?

 



  Our eyes met, so I know he saw me. I continue to stroll toward him prepared to smile and say hi, after all we grew up in the same town. I've known him since we were kids. He brushes past without a word, nod of his head, roll of his eyes....nothing. Okaaay....Maybe he didn't recognize me. 

   I weave through bodies until I reach my destination, the concession stand. The hot pretzels with cheese call out to me. After claiming my prize, I hurry back to my seat. On the way back I pass a lady that goes to my church. My smile is not returned. I'm tempted to call back to her. "I'm fine. How are you?"

I don't know why people act the way they do, but I do know one thing.

• A person's  actions'  toward you says a lot more about them than it does you.

 

  

Why are we drawn to heartbreakers?

 

 

   Emotion bubbles in my throat. Tears threaten to form and spill down my face, but I can't stop reading.  I have to know....will Samantha live? Will she end up with Kent?

 

Why is that we love movies and books that break our hearts? Look at the popularity of  the movie "The Fault in Our Stars".  I don't claim to know the answer to this question, but I'll give it my best shot. 

 

   The answer is.......life. Life experiences are emotion filled. We can relate to these characters because we have an emotional connection to their circumstances. In one way or another, we've all experienced grief, heartbreak, hope, love.

 

Click here to vote on my YA Heartbreaker List on Goodreads.

 

 

 

Who have you encouraged?

 

 This is a question I ask myself frequently. I truly believe that God wants us to lift each other up. What a difference it makes when someone speaks words of praise to you in comparison to criticism.

So this is a question I will continue to ask myself and hope I make a difference to another.

I believe the power of praise.

 

 

I have many more questions, so I will see you next week with three more. Have a great weekend everybody!